July 26th, 2012
Dear Jamie,
I am so happy that you inquired about my
job status and have requested my resume. It turns out that I am looking for a
job. As for which type of job would suit me best, it turns out that I am good
at all of the things. Which things, you ask? All of them. Here is a list of
some of the skills which I possess:
· I am a specialist on cats. I
can correctly identify where their faces are and what their paws look like. I
can also tell you which colour they are and possibly, if given enough
information, if they are deceased or alive.
· Coordinating complex projects
involving tens of people and organizing large amounts of data. For instance, I was
once challenged with buying three Big Macs (3), and a super sized drink (1) and
fries (1) from a McDonalds (1). I kid you not; I was able to correctly order
and pay for this project, which involved many of datas (6) in less than two (2)
minutes. I was also informed that an entire crew of staff (4) helped out in the
execution of its delivery. I then ate the aforementioned complex project in
under six (6) minutes and was so organized that I found the quickest path to
the restroom one (1) minute later. If you multiply all those figures together,
divide them by 2.5, then bring them to the exponent 2, you get: 119,439.36.
That is a big number!
· Styling my own hair. Seriously,
I have decades of practice with this, no other person on earth is as
experienced in this field as me.
· I can operate an elevator. You
can test this out by joining me on a trip to the nearest elevator and I will
correctly take you to the floor you require. Escalators are second nature to
me.
· Left turns. I always turn on my
blinker and look both ways before making a left turn. I hear that ladies love a
good left turn.
· I can count backwards from at
least 37
· You know when you’re on the
subway and someone happens to look at you while you’re staring at them? I am an
expert at looking away really quickly.
· Chewing. I have been doing this
my whole life and have chewed lots of different things. You can prepare a list
of things before our interview and I’ll tell you if I’ve chewed them or not.
Don’t even bother including food, my tongue, or legos on this list; you may be
astounded, but I have chewed all of these things already.
· Once I was stuck in a meeting
about strategized synergistic visions and I broke the local record of 3,849 pen
clicks in a row.
· I can take my own visage and a
large piece of glass and apply just the right amount of pressure to accomplish
what I call “squish-face”.
Since you also asked, I am looking for
compensation in excess of $5. I should mention that this $5 compensation requirement
has no cap and may exceed upwards of bajillions of dollars. Of course, this is
all relative to the amount of skills that I need to possess in this new job
that you have for me. For instance, if say, 2 of the skills that I mentioned
are required, then I would expect perhaps $15. On a larger scale, if 4 skills
are required, than I feel as $43 is more appropriate. Of course this is open to
negotiations and again, this is all relative and depends on the amount of
skills required. Since I have all the skills, compensation could go upwards to
infinite and beyond.
In terms of location, I am either looking
for an occupation on the bottom of the ocean, or on Jupiter. Either location
would be ideal as I coincidentally like fish and/or large quantities of
unidentifiable, red gas being swirled into giant storms. If perhaps you could
find a company located in a combined, gassy-fish area, that would be best.
Thank you for your interest, I expect that
you will keep my information confidential and on file for the next 5-7 years.
Sincerely,
Terry
ORIGINAL E-MAIL:
ORIGINAL E-MAIL:
Hi Terry,
I
am currently in the process of updating our confidential candidate
records and I noticed that we do not have a copy of your updated resume
on file. I appreciate that you may not be actively looking for new
opportunities at the moment but I would still be interested in adding
you to our system for future considerations.
Would
you mind sending me your resume and some information on what you would
be looking for in terms of compensation, location and type of company?
Alternatively, you can visit our website (www.rkretailchain.ca) and upload your resume and details there.
Please
note that our candidate records are completely confidential and your
resume will never be shared with any company without us first consulting
you.
If you have any questions Terry please do not hesitated to contact me.
Kind Regards,
Jamie
Associate Recruiter
RK Retail Chain
