PC THIN BAGELS

April 1st, 2012

Dear the Choices of your President’s Choice,

This letter of complaint is rather old, but it seems that I had forgotten to send it to you and you are still deserving of it, seeming as you have kept your terrible PC (Pretty Crappy) Thin Bagels available for the general public to choke and die on, AKA available for sale.

Now, let me tell you a story. Once upon a year and fourteen days ago, a young, mostly innocent fellow with a bright face and the spirit of a not-yet-depressed person was watching television. We’ll call this young fellow, “Terry”. Coincidentally, my name is also Terry. It would also be a coincidence if your name was Terry too, Terry. If not, reread that last two sentences replacing “Terry” with your actual name and be of the realization of all the coincidences that are happening!

So, Terry was watching television, and it was Commercial Time! You know, the part of the TV that tells young Terry how to spend his Terrytime.   

All of a sudden, a special commercial came on. This special commercial showed President's Choice’s Present, Galen Weston, conducting an in-store consumer test on how amazing PC Thin Bagels are. The commercial showed how surprised people were with how easily the bagels pulled apart, toasted to perfection, and tasted absolutely scrumptious! Terry thought to myself, I mean himself, how could real consumers, in a real commercial, in a real grocery store, with the real Galen Weston be wrong? Terry even checked President’s Choice’s website, where it indicated that 100% of PC Thin Bagel consumers "would buy again". Assuming that this was referring to buying PC Thin Bagels again and not funeral plots, which people generally "wouldn't buy again", Terry decided to buy a bag of bag-els.

Little Terry, with new bagel hope and a fistful of money ran his way to the nearest grocery store, which was through the woods and past grandma’s house. There, he immediately found the PC Thin Bagels stacked sky high in the discounted, expired products bin. Terry found this strange, because it seemed to indicate that nobody wanted to buy the bagels. However, the commercial people couldn’t be wrong, mayhaps the real-life people were not fully aware of PC Thin Bagels yet and were still buying normal bagels, or possibly porridge. Porridge seems to be a number one seller in let-me-tell-you-a-story land. Not to be dismayed, Terry grabbed a bag of cinnamon raison PC Thin Bagels and after wishing the Grocer the best day that this earth has ever bestowed on any single individual, he was off.

On the way home, Terry tripped on a rock and fell into the abyss and died. The End.

Just kidding, Terry went on to take the bagels home in order to consume them. Below are excerpts from Little Terry’s personal diary in his experiences with PC Thin Bagels:

Day 1, Bagel 1:

Dearest Diary,

The first bagel was stuck together, I had to cut it in half; it was so thin that it was very hard to cut. The bagel burned in the toaster due to it being sooooooooooo thin. I didn’t realize that my normal bagel settings would instantly incinerate paper thin bagels. Because of the incineration, the bagel tasted much like the charcoaled caterpillar that I thought it would be fun to eat at a campfire when I was six.

I was disparaged, but tomorrow is a new bagel-day that will happen (past, present and future tense all in one grammatically inconsistent sentence? CORRECT!). I hope I learned my bagelly lessons, tomorrow’s bagel will be perfect.

Day 2, Bagel 2:

Dearest Diary,

The bagel ripped apart easily! (YESS! (bracket within a bracket says, “2 S’s means extra ‘yes!’”)). However one half of the bagel was RIDICULOUSLY thin, thinner than corrugated cardboard, while the other half was a normal sized thin bagel, the approximate thinness of corrugated bagelboard.

I readjusted my toaster settings from “bagel” to “whispely steamed cracker,” because of my previous bagel burning experience. This time, bagel half one burned in the toaster because it was RIDICULOUSLY thin. Bagel half two did fine.

The bagel still tasted gross. This time it was like eating a mixture of charcoaled caterpillar and a recently deceased and still plumply fleshy, not-yet-charcoaled caterpillar sandwich. You know, because this time only half the bagel was burned.

Ok, ok, I'm still getting used to this. Weston hasn’t come out with any recent commercials with him being any less of a nice guy who just randomly gives food to children, which clearly are not his own (seriously, Weston, how many commercials are you randomly in other people’s houses with their kids while their parents are nowhere to be seen? Do you babysit?). So, Weston is still a nice guy and the commercial people still love the product. I'll try again.

Day 3, Bagel 3:

Dearest Diary,

The bagel ripped apart easily, again with a RIDICULOUSLY thin half.

This time the bagel did not burn. You know why? Because I had taken a course in “Thin Bagel Toasting” since it is not common knowledge that these bagels suck at toasting. Because of my recently gained astuteness in bagel toasting abilities, I toasted normally thin half and RIDICULOUSLY thin half each at separate toaster settings and was able to perfect the perfect thin bagel toastiness with perfect perfection.

This time as I bit into my metaphorically un-charcoaled caterpillars, which were slathered with creamy cheese, I was able to taste and experience and bask and soak and lie in the field of what PC Thin Bagels actually taste like. PAH! It was gross. It was lumpy. It was dry. The raisons were all hard. It was not unlike cardboard bagelboard, charcoaled caterpillars with hard raisons. It was gross.

I'm done with these bagels.

Day 4: Bagels 4-8:

Dearest Diary,

I gave the rest of the bagels to my mom. She will eat any bread-related product with content.

And so ends the excerpts from Little Terry’s diary. Little Terry grew up to become a very sad person with a very sadly depressive personal personality, all because the bagels which were portrayed as great turned out not to be. And he never trusted any commercial again until he died.

The End.

Overall, you bluffed calling wolf on me with PC Thin Bagels. Just like that story where the little kid calls wolf all the time and there are sheep and bagels and Galen babysits little kids. You’ve tarnished the PC Brand for me and now I am less willing to purchase new PC products, especially products that are advertised as being great. Perhaps you should advertise your products as less great, such as,

“Hey guys, Weston here. As I’m walking through someone else’s kitchen while their kids sit at the table, I just wanted to inform you that we made some thin bread things. They’re kinda lumpy and don’t pull apart right, but if you’re mostly content with digesting bread-related products, then you can buy them I guess. They’ll be on sale or something this week.”

If you advertised more like that, then I would be more inclined to buy more of your products. That doesn’t actually make sense, but neither does promoting disgusting products as great. I hope that it makes you digestibly content to realize that your 100% consumer satisfaction rating has dropped by about 1 person. Taking into consideration run-on sentences and all the discounted and unsold bread-related bagel-products of yours at my local grocery story that nobody bought, and that I’m probably the only one that you persuaded to buy your cardbread things, you now have a consumer satisfaction rating of 0%.

I hope you learned your lesson!

Sincerely,

Terry

P.S. You also changed the recipe of your spring rolls and I don’t like them anymore; don’t make me write another letter. However, your White Cheddar Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese Dinner is still and always has been amazing. Thanks for that I guess.

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April 2nd, 2012

Dear Mr. Terry,

Thank you for taking the time to write to us.

I’m so sorry to learn of your disappointment in President’s Choice Cinnamon Raisin Thin Bagels, but sincerely appreciate you taking the time to share your feedback with me.. Our product development team re-evaluates products on an ongoing basis and customer feedback such as yours is very valuable to them during that process. Accordingly, I have communicated your comments to them for consideration during their next review of this product.

Mr. Terry, we always want you to be confident in any control brand product you purchase.  That's why we are happy to offer a satisfaction guarantee for PC products.  If you are not happy with one of our products for any reason, we simply ask that you return the packaging and the receipt to your local store for a refund or exchange. If no receipt is available, simply return the packaging and an exchange of equal value will be granted. Please note that all items purchased from any No Frills store must be returned within 14 days of purchase accompanied by the receipt.

Please continue to share your feedback with us as it is one of the best ways for us to improve.

Sincerely,

Maha 

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CONCLUSION: Surprisingly, I'm pretty satisfied with this copy-paste response.